Faking it

[Editor's note: This, like all posts that date prior to January 9, 2007, was originally posted at my former Woebegotten Wonderland blog that was destroyed for many very good reasons and a few pretty pathetic ones. They will all be labeled as "re-runs" here. I apologize for the blatant recycling hack-job, but the truth is I don't write that much and some of this stuff is probably better than I am likely to write any time soon. It seemed such a shame to let it go to waste.]

This past weekend a few interesting things occurred which brought me to thinking about who I really am. The first of these was my grandparents coming to visit us.

I love having relatives come. It gives me a sense of validity. I enjoy hearing about what wonderful children I have. I enjoy having people who love me take an interest in my life, And I enjoy spending time with people whom I love and do not get to see as often as I like.

One thing that occurred during their recent visit that was especially meaningful was that my grandfather and I got to spend some prolonged time alone together. We went on a long walk, just the two of us, and spent that time talking about (as Douglass Adams would say) life, the universe, and everything. The last time I can remember just the two of us doing that was when I was twelve. It was a very different me he was talking to then.

What I noticed about the current "adult" version of myself that was different than the child he once new is that I am now a much more guarded, less open person. As a child I could (provided I had not been misbehaving) tell my grandfather anything without filtering or spinning it. As the years have progressed I have (for reasons not totally understood by myself) felt the need to present only aspects of myself that I think would most fit the image I would like him to have of me. It's like I have to prove myself to be "grown up". The problem is, I'm really not a grown up. At least I don't feel like one.

I realize that many years ago I reached the chronological threshold of adulthood. Shortly after that I reached another adulthood milestone by getting married. Very shortly thereafter I reached an even more critical adulthood milestone by becoming a parent. Several times over. I've had several jobs and even something of a "career" once. It's just that I've not really felt adulthood kick in. I feel like I'm just faking it, and if I'm not careful everyone will begin to notice.
This sense of inherent inadequacy lack of belonging in the adult world was enhanced by the second interesting occurrence. I was asked to help coach my oldest son's basketball team.

I love basketball, and like any good Kentuckian I am fairly knowledgeable of the sport. I played in youth and church leagues until I was seventeen and recently began playing again in a recreational league. I am neither a spectacularly gifted nor spectacularly ungifted basketball player. What I have never been, however, is someone who feels in any way qualified to instruct anyone else in the game. I have now been entrusted to do just that.

And the cool thing is the kids listen to me. It's like they don't know any better and think I can actually adequately instruct them in the ways of the sport. They don't have any idea I'm faking it.

And they're actually learning.

I can't take all the credit for that. I am one of three coaches for our team. But I can tell when I'm having a positive impact.

It really got me thinking about who I am and who I'm not.

I don't have as much basketball knowledge as some people. But I know infinately more than five and six-year-olds. And what I have to offer them they desperately want and need.

I don't have a big house in the suburbs and a BMW. I don't make a lot of money. I'm a good five or ten years younger than most of my oldest son's classmates' parents. I'm actually the youngest member of the Praise Band that it is my job to lead. I don't have a lot of things that seem to be the necessary trappings of our "adult" world.

But I have a great life. And a great wife. And three outstanding children. I also have a job that while it may not be monetarily lucrative is more spiritually rewarding than anything I've ever done.

I may be waiting for the feeling of adulthood to kick in and endow me with a sense of belonging and legitimacy, but I don't need to miss out on or sell short the life I currently have or the man I currently am.